Im sitting here freezing, sweating, crying, angry, can’t sleep. I am hurt, its that kind of hurt you can hear in my voice see in my eyes, but only I can feel in my soul. I lay awake not wanting to be alone but not wanting anyone to see these tears that I cry every night for you. I am tired, emotionally exhausted with how you make me feel guilty for how you make everything my fault. I know I screwed up once but I have paid for it tenfold. I am sick of being this person you have made me out to be. Someone who is so terrified that if she does anything wrong around you she will get hit, not by your hand but your voice, your eyes, and your heart. I am terrified to eat because of how I feel I look. I am terrified to speak, for fear that I make you mad. I am terrified to leave for fear you will hunt me down and drag me back. I am terrified because I don’t know where else to go, you have torn me down to the point I don’t have anything let. I am so desperate for some honest love that I ran to him, I hate that I did because you never forgave me. You never will forgive me, you love seeing me as hurt as I make you. Some part of you gets some sort of satisfaction from how hurt I am on a daily basis. My family and friends are starting to notice I am changing. They say a real man doesn’t hit a girl, you even told me you would never hit me and you never have. But you forgot about how you have broken my heart day after day and how I don’t think I am able to repair it anymore. It is going to take a lot to make it okay again. You need to mend the scars and break down the walls. I have started blocking everyone else out because of you, I am terrified to feel this pain from another person.
They say that people change our lives everyday, and every day that passes I am pulled further and further from the person I want to be. I was strong, I was able to be independent, I was able to be on my own and be okay, I was able to be happy…. Now all I do is cry, get through the day so I can be alone to cry, alone to let myself be how horrible of a person I have become, I can’t keep this charade up for much longer until the bruises will show on the outside, and the scars on my heart will be permanent.
All I have left is a broken heart, a shattered ego and a bruised soul at best. I know that I want my life to be like every cheesey romantic movie that I have ever seen but that is what I want. My relationship with you should be give and take and I have not received anything from you in a while.. or possibly ever. Everything I do everyday is to ensure that you are happy, everything I do is to make sure you get the best possible life I can give you and I am left with nothing. I have tried over and over to make you happy and it feels like you drag me though the mud and muck and just when I’m hurt and down you like to jab me a few more times to ensure that I am obedient to you. When you say I love you it sounds like a threat that I have to say it back. I was obedient for so much of my life I just want to be free, be able to be myself, be able to just float instead of fighting not to drown.
I know you’ll never read this. But maybe you will see how I truly feel, how you make me feel, how when I first met you I thought the world of how amazing you are, maybe that was just a cover for this. But if I can’t have him back I don’t want you.
